Abortion was the only way out I could see

Abortion was the only way out I could see

I couldn’t see any way out but to have an abortion. I was still in school, had been using drugs, and would be in so much trouble with my parents if they knew I were pregnant. As I walked into the clinic, I had no idea what was going to happen to me. I was told that it wouldn’t hurt. I cried out in pain as I was going through the procedure. It didn’t just hurt my body, it hurt my spirit. I wept the whole way home. I hated the thought of having to speak about it again. So I stayed silent.

I became pregnant twice more

I went right back into the same lifestyle of drugs and sex as a means to gain the affections of men. I became pregnant again a year later. This time I knew what would happen. The shame I felt was so strong that I didn’t want to tell anyone I was pregnant. I continued to drink and get high, hoping to forget my situation. I didn’t want to make that decision again. I waited so long to have the abortion that I was 3 months along the second time. This time I didn’t cry.

I found myself pregnant for the 3rd time at 18. I desperately wanted to keep my baby and I couldn’t imagine having another abortion. A part of me wanted to make up for the bad choices that I had made. Thus, my daughter was born.

The help and healing I received

Then began a 3 year period in my life where I sobbed uncontrollably at different times and I didn’t know why it was happening to me. My path led me to start peer counselling for post-abortive women. My life began to change. I was able to see the reality of what I had done and I began to stop condemning myself for the choice I had made. I was able to see how other people in my life played a part in my decision to have an abortion and I was now ready to forgive them for it, setting me free from the resentment I held towards them.

Living with the choice of having had an abortion still brings pain to my heart, but it doesn’t hold me back from my relationship with God and others anymore. Even though it is still difficult to talk and think about my abortion at times, when I do, I feel like the shame and the silence that once held me so tight is loosening its grip and joy is there to replace it.

Editor’s Note:

The story of grief and healing you have shared here may be helpful to others. We commend you for the strength you have demonstrated in facing your painful past after having had multiple pregnancies and abortions. Your teen years must have been very difficult ones. We are very encouraged to hear about your path of healing and the joy that is being given back to you. We hope you will continue on this journey of hope, and be completely healed one day from the pain you’ve experienced. Thank you for sharing your story. If one of our online peer counsellors can be of assistance to you, please feel free to connect with us.

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